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A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
oh my god this is perfect, OP i love you
omg. this is brilliant. and mean. but brilliant.
I forgot about this. the best thing, is this.♥ 17092 Notes / Sat Aug 10th, 2013 ≡ reblog
♥ 2926 Notes / Wed May 8th, 2013 ≡ reblog
Jason and the Argonauts (1963)
Film still with stop motion animation
Directed by Don Chaffey (1917 - 1990), animated by Ray Harryhausen (1920 - 2013)
Ray Harryhausen died today, aged 92. RIP.
♥ 2514 Notes / Fri May 3rd, 2013 ≡ reblog
Tradition & Dialect, 2012
Ink, India ink, gouache, watercolor, typewriter on paper
22 x 20 in.
Courtesy of the artist and Gregory Lind Gallery, San Francisco
Work by this artist will be available at ArtPadSF 2013.
♥ 185 Notes / Sun Apr 7th, 2013 ≡ reblog
Anna Parkina. Zamki i Samki, 2008. Collage and gouache on paper, mounted on board, 41 x 43 cm.
♥ 1878 Notes / Thu Mar 21st, 2013 ≡ reblog
picking up the (non-virtual) brushes again. this one’s called “waiting for the barbarians”…enjoying this again.
here’s the link if you’re interested in buying the original artwork: http://goo.gl/T5Jvq
♥ 10946 Notes / Sun Mar 10th, 2013 ≡ reblog
The painting above is by a guy named Jonathan Meese. He seems like a real trip. Meese is some german version of an emotionally unstable Dave Grohl. I consider him my new fashion icon. he’s not okay. I like him.
His painting stood out to me because it was big and angry and silly and he made a swastika on it which is truly taking a dump on a thing you’re in theory trying to sell. Watch the video above to hear his rationale behind this and also his leering psychobabble and riff on scarlet johansson as pure art.
I’m not saying his work is heroic. It just stood out given the context. I do like the paintings in the end. He seems genuinely fucking crazy in a good way I guess. He is a raging ambivalent.
♥ 7752 Notes / Sun Mar 3rd, 2013 ≡ reblog